


you're not defenseless (i'll be your shelter)

by creamiiteaa_xx



Series: if you get lost, you can always be found (just know you're not alone) [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abusive Parents, Adopted Sibling Relationship, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders Are Siblings, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Sleep | Remy Sanders are Siblings, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Has PTSD, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Has Panic Attacks, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Needs a Hug, Deceit | Janus Sanders is a Sweetheart, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Family, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Like, Panic Attacks, Past, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Platonic Cuddling, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Separations, Suicide Attempt, Trans Male Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, a year after virgil got taken away from his asshole parents, but he's trans, everyone in this fic is queer, he amazing in this, he does have ptsd tho, it's implied - Freeform, k ima stop now, not talked about, oh boy, sorta - Freeform, this is before all the queerios are friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:13:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27865157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creamiiteaa_xx/pseuds/creamiiteaa_xx
Summary: Virgil was so close. Janus convinced him to step go any closer.Now Virgil's safe. They have to talk. Virgilreallydoesn't want to, though.He'd rather stay here, where he's safe.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders & Original Character(s)
Series: if you get lost, you can always be found (just know you're not alone) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2037232
Comments: 3
Kudos: 48





	you're not defenseless (i'll be your shelter)

**Author's Note:**

> hiya lovies! when i first started this series, i thought i wasn't going to go to far into angst but this... oops- it honestly has a good amount of comfort at the end, so hopefully that'll make up for the angst? sorry. uh- if you're feeling suicidal, please talk to someone or call your country's suicide hotline. help is available. you aren't alone. this fic does have some triggering subjects, so please take care of yourself!
> 
> the fic title is from "Rescue" by Lauren Daigle. i listened to that song as well as "How to Save a Life" by The Fray and "Sara" by We Three while writing this. they're all really good songs, and i highly recommend you listen to them.
> 
> december 3 prompt - Suicide
> 
> tw: past suicide attempt (like, an hour ago), implied abuse, self negativity, panic attack, sensory overload, mention of being separated from a sibling (i think that's all, but please tell me if you see anything else!)
> 
> enjoy! <3

If Virgil could go back in time, he wasn't exactly sure what he would do.

Would he not come close to the rooftop? Would he jump off the roof faster? Would he try to off himself in a different way? Maybe jump the moment Janus came, or kill himself at school? He didn't know.

He couldn't change the past, though. Janus had caught him and convinced him to come down. He might as well bask in this moment. It probably won’t last long.

He was currently cuddled up against Janus, both of them in their respective onesies (a snake and a bat), watching _Corpse Bride_ while Carol and Kai make… something in the kitchen. He wasn’t entirely sure what the couple was doing. They had excused themselves to the kitchen after Janus told them what happened. That was 30 minutes ago.

Virgil picked at his skin, curling further into Janus, and silently thankfully Janus squeezed him tighter in response. 

He had… mixed emotions about his attempt. Deep down, a part of himself was thankful that Janus had stopped him. He, honest to god, didn’t actually want to die. It just… seems like the only way to fix things. Another part of him, however, screamed that _it’s not safe, they’ll hurt you, you fucked up, run run RUN!_

He shivered and pulled up his hood. When did it get cold?

Janus shifted, looked down at Virgil, and frowned. “You alright, Virge?”

“...I’m kinda cold. But it’s ok-- I-I’m fine.”

“Hey.” Janus continued in a softer voice. “We can turn up the temperature or get you a blanket. It’s not a big deal.”

Virgil just nodded.

Janus bit his lip, then turned his head to the kitchen and called out, “Hey, Mom?”

It was silent for a moment, but then Carol came out, carefully wiping her eyes. _She was crying. Because of_ **_me._ ** Virgil wrapped his arms around himself and pointed his gaze down. He didn’t want to see their faces and know that their grief was all his fault.

“Yeah, Jan?” Carol’s voice, thick with emotion.

Virgil closed his eyes.

“Could you get me and Virgil a blanket?” Janus’ voice, soft and careful

Virgil felt his throat tense and close up.

“Of course,” The sound of footsteps walking away. “which one?”

Virgil’s chest hitched.

“The big fluffy one?” The sound of a closet opening.

Virgil’s eyes burned with unshed tears.

“Yep.” Sound of ruffling fabric.

Virgil bit the inside of his cheek.

The closet closing.

Footsteps.

Talking.

Noise.

Sound.

The couch suddenly felt scratchy.

Janus’ coat was too silky.

His hood was too tight.

He couldn’t breathe.

He was cold.

Everything was too much.

Everything overlapped and was overwhelming and he was tired, please stop, it’s too much, it hurts, he can feel every like thing, why- please just- someone hold him- make it better, please- he can’t- it- oh god- no-

  
  


…

  
  


Warmth...?

Fluffy.

Soft.

Comforting.

...Nice.

Virgil tugged the blanket tighter around him, humming in content meant at the warmth it brought.

He was distantly aware of hands wiping tears off of his face, but he couldn’t care about that right now. All he cared about was the fact that he was warm and safe and everything felt good and gentle and nothing hurt. He was fine, he was loved, they-

…

He was loved?

…

Oh.

He _was_ loved.

Huh.

He might just like this feeling. 

Virgil sighed happily, snuggling in further into the body beneath him. He heard a deep chuckle from above him, and suddenly fingers combed through his hair, and he couldn’t help from melting into the touch. Every touch felt so good in some burning way that tingled his skin and he loved it. He hadn’t realized until recently how little touch he had gotten when he lived with his parents. Sure he had Remy but… Remy didn’t want to touch him. He honestly didn’t understand why people would _want_ to touch him anyway (it took a lot of communication for Carol, Kai, and Janus to convince him that, yes, they did want to touch him. That they weren’t just doing it out of pressure or pity.), but he drank up all the touch he could get.

Virgil let a tiny smile grace his lips, content in just sitting here as _Corpse Bride_ played in the background and fingers ran through his hair and he was _surrounded_ by _warmth._ He would do anything to stay here forever.

Unfortunately, the universe had other plans.

“So...” Carol started, and Virgil tried his best to not tense up. “Can we… talk about what happened?”

_Happy feelings gone._

“No!” Virgil shot up, staring at Carol with a scared expression, only to cringe at the shock in Carol’s face. “I mean...”

They waited.

“I don’t… not now?” Virgil turned around to look at Janus instead, finding sad understanding and sympathy in his sorta-brother-friend’s eyes.

“Please?”

Carol sighed but nodded in agreement. “Alright, later.”

He slumped over, not realizing he was so tense, and sighed in relief, leaning beck into Janus’ touch. He knew that they had to talk about it at some point, but he really, _really_ didn’t want to talk about it now. He didn’t want to break down in front of them again. He knew he definitely would if they talked about what he almost did and _why_ he almost did it, too.

He closed his eyes and relaxed completely into Janus’ hold. He faintly heard Carol stand up and walk back into the kitchen, but that left his mind as quickly as it came. With all these feelings of happiness and warmth and love surrounding him, he found himself dozing off.

Normally, the only place he felt safe enough to sleep was his room. In his room, he could lock the door, or hide under his blankets, or even escape through the window. But now…

Now…

He let himself be safe and held and happy.

He knew that they would have to talk later, and that scared him, a lot.

But…

He also knew that…

That his _family_ would be there for him.

So he let himself fall asleep wrapped in his brother’s arms, the sound of their moms chatting slowly fading.

He could get used to this.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you liked it! if you like this au, i have some other fics in this au that you can read! if you wanna see more of my writing, i have other fics from my december prompt series and a oneshot! if you enjoyed, comment and leave kudos! thanks for reading! <3


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